Archive for the ‘self development’ Category

Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be   Leave a comment

 

life being tough

Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

When we were young life was easier, right?  I know sometimes it seems that way.  But the truth is life still is easy.  It always will be.  The only difference is we’re older, and the older we get, the harder we make things for ourselves.

You see, when we were young we saw the world through simple, hopeful eyes.  We knew what we wanted and we had no biases or concealed agendas.  We liked people who smiled.  We avoided people who frowned.  We ate when we were hungry, drank when we were thirsty, and slept when we were tired.
As we grew older our minds became gradually disillusioned by negative external influences.  At some point we began to hesitate and question our instincts.  When a new obstacle or growing pain arose, we stumbled and fell down.  This happened several times.  Eventually we decided we didn’t want to fall again, but rather than solving the problem that caused us to fall, we avoided it all together.

As a result, we ate comfort food and drank alcohol to numb our wounds and fill our voids.  We worked late nights on purpose to avoid unresolved conflicts at home.  We started holding grudges, playing mind games, and subtly deceiving others and ourselves to get ahead. And when it didn’t work out, we lived above our means, used lies to cover up lies, and ate and drank some more just to make ourselves feel better again.

Over the course of time, we made our lives harder and harder, and we started losing touch with who we really are and what we really need.

If you’re nodding your head, then you understand the need for “Getting Back to Happy”, and you know deep down that you’ve gradually made your life harder than it has to be.

Here are some common mistakes you’ve likely made in the past.

You let other people steal from you.

If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. Treat your time like a Fortress. Guard it closely and give it only to those who deserve and respect it.

You’re trying to compete with everyone else. – If you compete with everyone else, you will become bitter.  If you compete with a previous version of yourself, you will become better.  It’s as simple as that.

You focus on popularity over effectiveness. – Seek respect, not attention.  It lasts longer and it’s far more useful in the end.  Do things and build things that make a lasting difference.  And above all, never confuse popularity with effectiveness.  Being popular means you’re liked for a while.  Being effective means you’ve made a difference.

You let others make you feel guilty for living your life. – As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, keep living your life YOUR way.  Sometimes we get lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them.  Take a moment and think about it.  Are you doing things because you truly believe in them?  Remember your own goals.  Live, do and love so that you are happy, because when it comes down to it, relationships can end in an instant, but you will live with yourself for the rest of your life.

You keep cutting corners and taking the easy way out. – Do what is right, not what is easy.  And do the right thing even if no one else will ever know.  Why?  Because YOU will know.

You focus on every point in time other than now. – You can’t change yesterday, but you can ruin today by worrying about tomorrow.  Be present.  Tomorrow will reveal itself exactly as it should, just as yesterday already has.

You are stuck on your mistakes. – It’s important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes.  We need to learn from our errors and move forward.  Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past.  Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you learn from it.  A happy, successful life, after all, is not a life absent of problems, but one that’s been able to rise above them.

You are part of the drama circle. – How would your life be different if you walked away from drama, gossip and verbal defamation?  Let today be the day you speak only about the good you know of other people and encourage others to do the same.  Those that refuse to support you CAN be ignored by you.  It’s as simple as that.  Incredible things happen when you distance yourself from negativity and those who create it.  Don’t get caught up in drama.  Just walk on by.

You allow toxic people to get the best of you. – You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life.  It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, colleague, childhood friend or a new acquaintance.  You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small.  It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change.  But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go

You’re letting loss devour you. – Sometimes you have to work at happiness.  Some hurdles in life are too difficult to clear simply by adopting a positive mindset.  Do you need to forgive someone?  Do you need to let go of a failed relationship?  Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?  Life is full of loss.  But, in a sense, true happiness would not be possible without it.  It helps us appreciate the good times.  It helps us grow.  If you’re struggling to see the light, you’re not alone.  Find someone who understands and talk to them.  Reach out for support.  Don’t let loss devour you.

You avoid facing the truth. – The truth does not cease to exist when it is ignored.  You cannot find peace by avoiding things.  You have to feel it to heal it.  Bring your fears and weaknesses front and center and shine a blazing spotlight on them.  Because the only way out is through.  The pain of facing the truth is SO worth it in the long run, I swear.

You put off making decisions. – Bad decisions are almost always better than no decisions at all.  Indecisiveness just delays, while bad decisions teach us to yield better ones.  In the end, we most often regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

You expect life to always be happy. – The world can be a difficult place.  You may experience suffering, heartbreak and loss.  These circumstances can take a toll on your happiness, but do not lose hope.  Think about the Yin and Yang in Chinese philosophy, which states that opposite forces are often interconnected.  In suffering, you can find great strength, in heartbreak you can find resilience, and in loss you can find a renewed appreciation for life.  Life is always Yin and Yang.  Opposites are interdependent and interconnected.  You can’t completely shield yourself from sadness without also shielding yourself from happiness.

life easy

As you know, when we stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things, life gets easier.  It just makes sense.  So how have you been making your life harder than it has to be?   What can you do today to simplify things? #Food4Thought

I want to say thanks to Marc Chernoff you’ve been inspiring.

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WHY YOU SHOULD SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF   3 comments

 

WHY YOU SHOULD SPEND TIME WITH YOURSELF

me time

” Talk to yourself once in a day…. otherwise you may miss meeting n excellent person in the world.”

Swani Vivekananda

Why are people so incredibly against being alone? We all seem to be afraid of it. We make friends who usually aren’t worth having. We date people we shouldn’t be dating. We spend our time and money running away from being on our own.

Loneliness is not something to aim for, but being alone doesn’t necessarily mean being lonely. In fact, spending more time with ourselves, without being surrounded by people, and without virtually surrounding ourselves via all those social networking platforms, we can find solace in the company that matters most: the relationship we have with ourselves.

Here are some benefits of spending time alone:

1. Introduces You To A Simple Life

A simple life is a beautiful life. In this day and age, we often find ourselves overwhelmed with things we want to do, ought to do, need to do and are avoiding doing. We all have so much going on in our lives, but to what end? It’s as if we are all running some sort of race, a race with no real finish other than death. People are aiming for a happy life somewhere down the line when the point of life is being happy throughout the ride. #Food4Thought

2. Allows You To Keep Your Mind Clear

I’m sure I’m not the only person who finds myself mentally overwhelmed. Our minds are capable of storing massive amounts of information. However, you can’t simply collect information. You need to organize it. Our minds have a filing system that, in part, works on its own, but it requires slowing down and removing yourself from the constant flow of new information. You can’t process and file simultaneously. We don’t come equipped with dual processors…. In fact, looking at perception…. we are constantly interacting with others and constantly processing new information, it makes getting a grasp on reality rather tricky. It’s not so much that you don’t have a clear perception of your reality; it’s that you don’t take enough time to explore the reality you’ve created. Removing yourself from the world allows you to reacquaint yourself with the way you see the world

3. You Will Learn Things About Yourself That You Couldn’t Otherwise

By understanding the way you perceive the world, you gain insight into you as an individual. You will have more time to consciously roam around in your mind, to notice the way you think, notice the way your thoughts interact with the physical world, and notice how you judge both the outside world and yourself.

We think all the time, but it’s not often that we look at our thoughts from the outside looking in. We are more often than not caught up in thought, failing to differentiate our formulated thoughts from ourselves, the thinkers. Spend more time alone to develop the ability to differentiate yourself from all those thoughts flying about in your head. You two aren’t one in the same.

4. Relieves Anxiety

Because we don’t differentiate between ourselves and our thoughts, anxiety quickly builds. If we are overwhelmed by all the thoughts we’re having, not being able to slow them down because we feel they are a part of us, we begin to feel heavy and sluggish. If the thoughts are negative, they end up affecting us profoundly. Spending more time on your own will allow you the opportunity to set your mind straight and rid yourself of unnecessary negative thoughts, alleviating your anxiety.

 

treat urself

To truly love someone, we first have to explore what love is, and that means starting with the person you spend the most time with yourself!

5. Forces You To Become Less Dependent On Others

Most people don’t like being alone because they feel the need to be social, to interact with others. This is a part of human nature. However, the amount of social interaction we require to remain sane is nowhere near the amount most of us experience on a daily basis. Moreover, the amount necessary is much less than the amount we feel we need.

The fact is, most of us are dependent on others for our happiness. We use them as distractions. The question is…… distraction from what? From ourselves? Yea! But why do you feel the need to keep you away from you? #Food4Thought

6. Your Life Becomes More Efficient

We spend a lot of time in our lives, messing around. We do things for the sake of doing them. We “hang out.” We “chill.” We find ways of filling up our days in order not to have time to do nothing – because doing nothing is bad. But the fact is, you can’t do nothing; it’s physically impossible. You are a living thing and are always doing something.

More than that, you are a human being. Our minds aren’t capable of doing absolutely nothing. Try doing nothing and you’ll notice that you’re still doing something. Becoming comfortable with being alone removes a lot of excess waste from your life because you come to realize it as being useless.

7. Slow Down

Life isn’t a race. If it were, then you should be trying to avoid the finish line, not get there sooner. Taking the time to slow down and enjoy the little things ……. the air around you, the chair you are sitting in, the way your tongue feels pressed against your teeth ………. all these things will bring you greater joy than you ever thought possible. Being alive should be enough to make you happy. If it doesn’t, you need to slow down and remove yourself from distractions.

8. Remove Yourself From Unnecessary Information

Just 10 years ago, we weren’t exposed to nearly as much information as we are now. Looking back 50 years, the difference is colossal. Human beings are not yet used to being fed so much information; processing all this information can become difficult – mostly because the majority of it is useless to us. Humans developed their cognitive abilities as a means of surviving.

But knowing that Sarah is eating a cheeseburger via Instagram or that Justin Bieber may get deported via Twitter does not relate to our personal happiness. It’s all information that doesn’t make the least bit difference to our personal lives, to our well-being. Unplugging from this constant stream of information will be and is incredibly relieving.

9. You’ll Come To Accept That You’re Enough To Make Yourself Happy

The only way to achieve sustainable happiness is to be happy with the bare minimum. Why? Maintaining anything requires consistence and the only thing you can never lose and never have to worry about losing is you. You will always have you. You can lose everything else, but you can’t lose you. Learn to be happy with just yourself and everything else positive that comes your way will only be a very pleasant surprise…… personally I think the worst thing for anyone to lose would be their #Mind.

10. You’ll Save Money
It turns out that being alone is a lot cheaper than spending time with others. Alone, you can literally just sit or close your eyes and do close to nothing, just thinking and imagining. Now imagine trying to convince your friends to come over and do the same. Not going to happen. You’re going to have to spend money one way or another. Socializing always comes at a price, while being alone only costs you on occasion…. see? Spending time with yourself is also cost effective. Lol!!!

Say yes to u11. Allows You To Set Your Priorities Straight

Society convinces us that we want a lot of things we really don’t want. It’s the competitive nature of man that has us reaching for the stars when, in reality, the ground under our feet is more than enough. There’s nothing wrong with aiming high….. Of course I do that too….. but make sure that what you’re aiming for is something you actually want, not something you want because others want it as well…… Or what the media has brain washed you into wanting.

If you don’t really want something, but are aiming for it, anyway, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment. If you don’t get it, you’ll be disappointed with not getting it, and if you do get it, you’ll be disappointed that it wasn’t what you thought it’d be. Get your priorities straight and you’ll have less disappointment in your life.

12. Allows You To Stay More Focused

We aren’t meant to just be focusing on tasks. We are also meant to focus on ourselves. Very few living creatures are capable of understanding themselves as individuals — one of the most simply act without understanding that they exist. For whatever reason, our culture emphasizes constant action and little reflection. Spend some time focusing on yourself and your thoughts and less on actions. There’s no point of constantly going after achievements if you lose sight of who you are as a living being.

13. Makes You Accept That You’re Alone In This Life – And Makes You Okay With It

That sounded like a sad thought right? But, we are born alone and we die alone. What few come to realize is that the majority of our lives we actually spend alone. We spend a lot of our lives trying not to be alone, true, but in reality, we are alone the entire time. That’s okay. In fact, it’s wonderful. You are you and just you. You are unique. You are one of a kind. You don’t need anyone else to make you better because you are amazing just the way you are. You’re simply choosing to ignore that fact.

Spend more time with yourself and only yourself, and soon you will realize that as truth.

The most important relationship we can all have is the one you have with yourself, the most important journey you can take is one of self-discovery. To know yourself, you must spend time with yourself, you must not be afraid to be alone. Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

 

froggie” Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

Brene Brown

 

THE ART OF LISTENING   1 comment

THE ART OF LISTENING

It is the province of knowledge to speak. And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

http://blogs.lt.vt.edu/ankitpathak04/files/2013/11/Dr-Alan-Zimmerman-Leadership-and-Listening.jpgHello friends forgive my absence I’ve had to deal with a lot lately; but am back and i would love to talk about “Listening” i tagged this write up “The Art Of Listening cos i truly believe listening is an art. let be start by stating that “Hearing”is different from “Listening”. Hearing is the process of perceiving sound produced by any sound source in the environment while listening is the process of deriving meaning from organized sounds. Listening is also more complicated and entailing than hearing. bottom line the difference between these two is “Attention”. Listening is a skill — one that is capable of being not only honed, but lost.  No wonder listening is an undervalued art. Research shows that we speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute, yet we have the capacity to listen to approximately 400 words per minute. So what are we doing with that extra space in our minds when someone else is talking? Are we really listening?

listening 2–To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. #ArtOfListening

Peter Senge

Listening is essential to fulfilling relationships. If you are experiencing challenging interactions or you want your connections to deepen, reflect on how you can improve your listening skills. Here are some benefits of truly listening:

  • People will feel be more drawn to you; they will like you more.
  • You will learn something new.
  • You will solve problems more effectively.
  • You will experience less loneliness and frustration.
  • You will feel happier and more relaxed.

Learn to listen well, and watch all your relationships thrive. Here’s how.

—The best way to understand people is to listen to them. #ArtOfListening — Ralph Nichols

1.      Pay attention
Since our brains have the capacity to process 275 more words per minute than are actually spoken, we tend to fill up the void with extraneous thoughts. Notice how when someone is speaking, you are partially listening, while simultaneously planning the rest of your day, replaying a meeting that just occurred, or deciding what you will say next. Paying attention is the cardinal rule for good listening. Hear the words, and let their meaning in. If your mind wanders, simply re-focus your attention on the conversation.

—We have to listen to each other, even when we don’t agree.

2.      Be receptive
If you show up with an agenda, you are not going to be available to fully hear what the other person is saying. There is no problem with having goals for an interaction, but let them go while the other person is speaking so you can hear what is being expressed. Balance your need for a given outcome with your desire to sustain a harmonious relationship.

—One who cares is one who listens.

3.      Check your understanding
Make sure you can repeat what you just heard, and if you can’t, ask for clarification. You might be surprised at how much you are missing. Most people are. When you think you’ve gotten it, you might say, “So what you are saying is….” to verify your understanding.

— Secret of success,lies in d ability to get the other person’s point of view & see things from his angle as well as yours #ArtOfListening

4.      Be an explorer
Explorers are open and curious. They are inquisitive, without knowing what they will find. So what to do with all of that excess brain power? Focus on the speaker. Notice body language, tone of voice, and rate of speaking. Then look beneath the words to see what feelings and needs are being communicated. You never know what you might find.

— The golden rule of friendship is to listen to others as you would have them listen to you. #ArtOfListening

5.      Show interest
If you find yourself bored and distracted, reconnect with the interaction. Maintain eye contact, uncross your arms, and ask questions that take the conversation deeper. Find out what really matters to the person you are speaking with.

— Eyes see only light, ears hear only sound, but a listening heart perceives meaning. #ArtOfListening

6.      Be patient
As much as you may be tempted, don’t speak over someone who is talking. When you feel the urge to step in, take a breath, let your agenda go, and continue to listen. If you need to move the conversation along, do so politely, as in, “Excuse me, I’m so sorry for interrupting, but ….” Likewise, be careful not to jump to conclusions or assume you know what hasn’t yet been said. These are all signs that your inner explorer has fallen asleep. Revitalize your experience by paying attention to what is happening in the moment.

— Listening is a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued. #ArtOfListening

7.      Get out of a rut
Have you ever had the same problematic conversation with someone over and over? Bring a fresh perspective to the relationship by redoubling your efforts to listen. Let go of your need to be right or your ideas about what the other person should be saying or doing, and hear them as if for the first time. This moves you from contraction and limit to possibility and potential simply by listening.

— One person who is truly understanding, and takes the trouble to listen to us,can change our whole outlook on the world. #ArtOfListening — Dr. E. H. Mayo

Effective listening develops empathy, which is the capacity for a deep understanding of another’s experience. And isn’t that what it takes for a relationship to thrive? It’s as simple as paying attention.

listening 1— We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. #ArtOfListening

Here are some suggestions for developing your listening skills:

  • Develop the desire to listen. You must accept the fact that listening to others is your strongest weapon. Given the opportunity, the other person will tell you everything you need to know. If this doesn’t create desire, I don’t know what will.
  • Always let the other person do most of the talking.This is a simple matter of mathematics. I suggest a 70/30 rule. You listen 70% of the time and you talk 30% of the time.
  • Don’t interrupt. There is always the temptation to interrupt so you can tell the other person something you think is vitally important. It isn’t, so don’t. When you are about to speak, ask yourself if it is really necessary.
  • Learn active listening. It’s not enough that you’re listening to someone – you want to be sure that they know you’re listening. Active listening is the art of communicating to the other person that you’re hearing their every word.
  • Ask for clarification if needed. This will clear up any misunderstanding you have.
  • Get used to ‘listening’ for nonverbal messages – body language. The other person may be communicating with you via body language. You need to decode the message.
  • Ask a question…then shut up. This is a foolproof way to listen. Think of yourself as an interviewer – Barbara Walters! She listens and questions – so should you.

A good listener tries to understand what is being said first; he/she may disagree, but at least he/she knows exactly what they are disagreeing with.#ArtOfListening

Tips For Asking Questions

Once you have learned how to keep yourself from speaking, the art of asking questions is the shortcut to effective listening. Here are some tips for asking questions:

  • Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. “How could we do this?” “What do you think?” Your objective is to get them to talk as much as possible.
  • Don’t ask questions that put them on the defensive. For example, “Why?” is intimidating. Don’t ask “why?” Ask “how come?”
  • Ask “What if?” What if we did it this way?
  • Ask for their advice. “What would you suggest we do to resolve this?” Everyone loves to be asked for advice.
  • Offer alternatives. “Which way would you prefer?” This demonstrates your respect for the other person.
  • Ask about their feelings. “How do you feel about this?” People love to have their feelings validated.
  • Repeat back what they said. “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying. You’re saying that…?” This technique will prevent misunderstandings and convince them that you really are listening.

listening 3—Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.

Is Happiness A Decision Or A Feeling……?   3 comments

Is Happiness A Decision Or A Feeling……?

Happiness 1

 

“Most folks are as happy as they make up their mind to be.”

Abraham Lincoln

I asked this question on my show on radio today and was quite impressed with people’s response…. a lot of people were of the opinion that Happiness is a Decision… but then comes the question If its a decision why do we have more UN-happy people out there? Is it that they choose to be UN-happy? Let me start by saying; happiness is a phenomenon every human on this planet desires in their hearts. Yet most of us look for happiness in all the wrong places and end up causing ourselves more suffering. This is the case sadly, because we are looking outside of ourselves for some-thing or some-one to bring us Happiness.

 

A 13th-century Persian poet simply called  Rumi once said; we go room to room looking for the diamond necklace around our neck. I totally agree with this saying, we search “everywhere” for happiness, and sadly; we never see where it really is, which is with us all along.

Image

I think we all would agree that Happiness does not depend on material things, such as driving a certain car or owning a prestigious house. (although, such things can add pleasure to our life).

We have to take note that, happiness does not depend on what happens or on other people, like whether tou hve a significant other or not. (although, having loving and supportive people around does add to our enjoyment).

“Don’t wit around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.”

Alice Walker

 

Sometimes people choose to wallow and take no responsibility for things… you can’t choose how you feel, but you can make choices to enhance your chance of feeling happy.

Happiness is not to be found anywhere in the external world.

Personally, I believe the main obstacle to happiness is our faulty thinking. For Instance thinking, Some-one or some-thing can make you happy, is faulty thinking. you have a choice, to be happy, but do you want to be If your answer is YES! Then its time you should decide to be.

I like to remind myself that I am the creator of my own thoughts and state of mind. It is my choice what feeling I choose to have on any given day. This does not mean I don’t go with the flow of feelings (Of course I do … I am no robot), but the fact that I can choose at any given moment to change what it is I desire…. is just re-assuring.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”

Mahatma Gandhi

 

Sadly, a lot of us have learned to quietly accept whatever happens to us, without question, without standing up and saying ‘No!’ We have become passive, powerless and uninspired robots, going along with the crowd. It’s a sad state of affairs that we have been raised in. It seems somewhere along the line, a standard was laid out for us and we are ‘expected’ to magically meet this invisible ‘standard’ by compromising and living according to someone else’s perspectives… I ask you now….  Where is the happiness in that?

It is about time that we realise that we are empowered within us to choose our emotion, to choose how we respond or react to something, is all up to us. It is all choice!!!

So again I say… Choosing happiness is a choice.

Just take a minute to think about how you are feeling right now. How long has it been since you chose what you wanted to feel?

Now, I am not saying that you go into a state of denial if you are in one kind of trauma or another, but I am suggesting that you put in a new option for yourself. Instead of sitting in pain, decide for a few minutes that you will focus on happiness. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to try; because think about it would you rather go through life choosing happiness and drawing happy experiences to yourself, or would you rather just sit in pain and expect the worst, thereby feeling the worst?

So where can we find happiness?

I will tell you…. stop looking outside  for what can only be found inside.

And make a decision to be happy.

I would like to formally invite you to be Happy!

Repeat the phrase below:

I, your name, decide to be happy right now, despite the state of the world, or what happens to me and around me.

I absolutely know it is my God-given birth right to be happy.

And as the light of God that i am, I reclaim happiness and happiness reclaims me.

Make the decision everyday to be happy!!!

 

Image

“Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions; it is governed by our mental attitude.”

Dale Carnegie

 

 

WHO IS THAT SPECIAL PERSON?   10 comments

you are special 1WHO IS THAT SPECIAL PERSON?

Sometimes, when I hear the sound of a car slowing down am tempted to peek and check is that for me could someone have thought of me and even driven down just to check on me? I get excited at the thought, but as always the car slowing down to a halt is not for me…..thinking about it now I feel pathetic but that’s really how I feel, having to put up a strong face can be tiring but I have gone from putting up a strong face to really being strong……it’s just that in moments of loneliness you wish you had that special someone……I thought I had found my special some one quite recently…..a part of me screamed “the search is over he is here”….there was peace a very relaxing calm peace that I just can’t explain but it was there and it was quite reassuring…..it’s the reason I held on….for so long….only to have that door slammed ruthlessly in my face…….wow!!! Life is a very long journey with a lot of displeasing and uncomfortable turns……then, when Isaac Samuel Adekunle was in my life the sound of the car coming to a halt by my window was for me….and his visits would make the evenings feel complete and perfect….we would talk and laugh and feel good sharing our challenges …..at least that’s what it felt like for me…….sigh!!! I enjoyed it ….In fact I secretly wished it would never end…..but, it was never meant to be; for the one who led me on like we were something really special ….had other plans he had someone else on the side …..Someone he planned to marry…..and did not tell me until the day of the marriage……it still baffles me though. where did he find the time for her-he spent everyday with me…..where and how did she come into the picture….or was she always there and I was so stupid and naive not to have noticed?

…..I still remember how hard it was to breath when my phone beeped and full of excitement on seeing his name across my screen of my mobile phone…. I open the text message and the message read…. You did not congratulate me……. Today is my TRAD…….(Trad is short for traditional marriage)….I never thought an involuntary action such as breathing could become such a big laborious task. I had to struggle to get the right amount of air into my lungs cause it felt like my system was shutting down and from the corner of my eyes darkness was creeping in……I steadied myself holding on to the counter in the kitchen saying it was a joke….”I just spoke to him two days ago we spoke for almost an hour, he said nothing about a trad…..it cant be what I think it is, he probably meant to say he was at a trad and it was a typo”……I tried calling, but he wouldn’t pick up and then my phone beeps again……another message ……”I can’t talk now”…….confusion pretty much set in at this point in my already muddled up mind……so I asked the dreaded question in the form of a text I said to him ….”Are you saying today is your traditional wedding?” To which he answered simply……”yes!” Then, he tries to make it light by saying he told me….which just threw me off the edge because right now another lie is not what I need ….then my brother sees traditional wedding photos on his blackberry phone……..that cleared all my doubts “so it true my supposed special person went on with someone else……I wasn’t special after all. I was just statistics to him”…..that hurt even more……I felt hurt, broken and betrayed on top of everything…..he wasn’t who he portrayed himself to be. I asked myself over and over was there ever a sign? Did I overlook something? Well, now that I have had time to think about it….yes I over looked a few important things……

 

1- First, never give people a clean slate when first you meet them, they all have a past and you cannot go on with them like they never did….their stories give you an inkling into the kind of person you are about to let into you life.

2- Don’t be in a rush to get too familiar, most of the time when we get too comfortable we get blind sided to a lot of warning signs….which reveal themselves with time.

3- Note  that, his action and his words are two different things….in a man’s world words are a strong indication of his true intentions……if he does not verbally define what you both have don’t assume it’s anything…..make sure you hear him say it….no matter how shy a man is……if his into you he will state it….although there are some of them who need a lil push…for e.g. The idea of a man about to loose a woman that he holds dear….would make him brace up and state his claim….if he doesn’t then he probably was never going to…. So why waste more time hanging around him.

4- When a guy starts hanging around you a lot without stating his intentions…..make it clear to him that you don’t spend that much time with people who are in the friend category…. And that your time is reserved for someone a lot more special. So it either he Admits he want to fill the position of the special man In Your life or he gets going.

5- A man who is into you does not need an excuse to see you; he would talk with you and come see you because he just can’t have a enough. No man is ever to busy for a woman he is crazy about….especially when you’re still at the wooing stage.

6- Realize your self worth! If so many women understood that they are nobody’s door mat and cannot and will not be treated as one ….there would be less broken hearts…..so many men have taken women for a ride because women do not have an idea of their self worth……..listen to the story of any happily married woman she would say something like “he treats me with respect”……”he treats me like a queen.” basically their husbands make them feel good with themselves……if your man makes you feel less than yourself and you let him, then honey you need to quickly do some self re-evaluation. KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!

7- And Lastly, but very important wait for God‘s instruction before you move him up from the friend category, because it’s is important that what you are about to start is God approved……I mean think of it why would you start a journey if you know that you are not going to get to your destination…….why would you give him your heart if he has no intentions of holding unto it for the rest of his life? Plus to hear God’s instruction in the first place you have to first be his friend…..don’t treat him like a D.O.G you would visit once in a while…..but like a G.O.D who longs for your companionship……..treat him the way you want that special person you’re waiting for to treat to you………my new phrase…..”If you’re about God’s work, God is going to be about YOU!

 you are special

Note from Writer

Hi guys, I decided to put this out there because a lot of ladies have confided in me about nasty break ups, and then they move to throw themselves a pity party, next stop “SHE BECOMES A MAN HATER!” sigh!!! Agreed, we have some down right nasty brothers out there, but ladies, you can’t completely put the blame on their door step. I saw a phrase a while back it said “A man’s lack of commitment is because there is a lack of necessity to commit from the woman.” ladies you need to realize that you should require a man to state where your relationship is heading, because if you are in a relationship where you don’t know the direction, you can loose yourself and get hurt. Another issue worth mentioning … Ladies when a man says you guys are just friends he means you are just friend and nothing more. Quit having a relationship with him in your head; you’ll only hurt yourself. If you treat yourself as a prized being he’ll treat you accordingly; don’t leave your heart or body carelessly. Guard your heart, your time, your information. Don’t in your minds eye go ahead and put someone in your future that is not committed to you, that is just recipe for more heart breaks. So ladies its time to wise up, realize your worth, take responsibility for your wellbeing; and lastly, you attract people to you when you look like you are having a good time. So go out there and live LIFE!!!

YOUR WORDS HAVE POWER   3 comments

power of words 4

YOUR WORDS HAVE POWER

The mouth is a dangerous weapon, which can work for or against you, depending on how it is used. Your mouth is not meant for eating alone it is also an instrument for charting the course of your life.

Words truly do have power. Have you ever noticed the response or reaction you receive when you say certain things? That’s because the words we use affect the outcome of the situation. They enrich us or they can cut us to the bone as if we were cut with a knife.

Even though we communicate in many different ways, through a look or a touch, a smile, or even the way we stand, our words are even more important. They not only express our views on the subject we’re presenting, they also represent who we are as an individual.

 

Speaking comes to most people as naturally as breathing. On many occasions our words are uttered without conscious thought; in fact we rarely stop and think about what we are saying. Thousands of words pour out of our mouths each day as our thoughts, opinions, judgements and beliefs are freely expressed. Often, however, we are oblivious to the positive or negative effect these words have on ourselves and the people around us.

Words have tremendous power. Words give out energy and a message which creates a reaction in others. Everything you say produces an effect in the world. Whatever you say to someone else will produce some kind of an effect in that person. We are constantly creating something, either positive or negative with our words.

 

power of words 1“In the hands of a careful person words can work to do great good. But in d hands of a careless person,words can cause great harm.”

 

You should also note that, the reactions we get to our words often returns to us often in a multiplied form. If we’re angry our words can be forceful, rude, demeaning and hurtful. If we are happy our words can be joyful, happy, loving, and peaceful.That person’s response to the words we speak will be stronger because it will have the emotion created by the words attached to it. The power of words has a ripple effect in our life and those around us.

 

Recently I came across the work of Dr Emoto, and his studies on water crystals. He took samples of water, froze them and took photographs of the water crystals. He then wrote words on vials of water taken from the same source. The crystals formed in the vials which had positive words, such as love and gratitude, were beautiful. However the crystals in the vials with negative words such as hate and evil were very different and the water didn’t even form crystals in some instances. Experiments were done using words from different languages, and also by the scientists having no knowledge of what the words meant. The results were similar (see pictures below). The finding of this study on water crystals has had a profound impact on me. The human body is known to be composed of up to ninety percent water. If words had such a significant impact on water crystals, then what is the impact of positive and negative words to our bodies?

power of words 5 (Dr Emoto)“The sound of your voice and the things you say are more important than you know.”

 

When we speak we use words to describe things, our mind creates the picture. When we hear the words of a song we do the same thing. Those words can either build us up or tear us down. They help create positive self esteem or break down our self esteem. Words encourage us to be our best or they rip away our self worth and trust in our abilities to reach goals and life’s ambitions.

An important key to success in life is to understand the power of words. A word is a thought eternalized. Our thoughts do have a great effect on us even though they are internal. What we think effects the way we live our life, it effects our emotions, our attitudes and our behaviour. A thought spoken, however, has even more power. It can never be taken back; it is out of our mouth and will have an effect. Our words have even more power than our thoughts because they not only affect ourselves, but the people and the world around us.

Time To Change Your World

“You think being vulgar wit your words is cool, when in reality everyone loves a person who has encouraging or uplifting things to say.”

 

Successful people take control of their words, rather than letting their words control them. They are more conscious of their thoughts and words and the power they unleash. Successful people understand that they need to speak positively rather than negatively in order to see success. Successful people are characterized by the words that they speak. They know the importance of speaking words that will build self-esteem and confidence, build relationships and build possibilities. They speak words of affirmation, encouragement, love, acceptance and appreciation.

To see more personal success, the words that we speak need to be in alignment with what we want to see being produced in our life – our vision and our dreams. Your words can determine your destiny. Even more importantly, your words can make a positive difference on the people you interact with every day. Before you speak ask yourself: Is what I am about to say going to uplift the hearer? Will it inspire, motivate, and create forward momentum for them? Will it dissolve fear and create safety and trust? Will I create a positive or negative ripple effect by speaking out these words? Let‘s be determined to unleash the power of words for positive change.

It has been said that our eyes are windows to our soul and I believe that our words are also an indication of whom and what we are inside.

Words either give us hope or they bring despair. They are key to how we learn. From birth we are taught to communicate not only through touch, sight, and sound but through words.

Almost every emotion we feel as a human being is affected or created by the words we hear or say. Proverbs 13 verse 3 says that whoever guards his mouth preserves his life and he who opens his lips wide comes to ruin. So even in silence our words are powerful.

The very words we utter every day create the world we live in. They have THE to power to crush countries and the power to build nations anew.

Just for one day think about the words you use, think about the effect they have on you and the people around you. Use positive words instead of negative and see if the results you receive are different. I can bet you will be amazed.

power of words 2“By your choice of words you can influence others in positive ways and as a result achieve peace and prosperity in your life.”

SELF REINVENTION   Leave a comment

 20130423-022222.jpgSelf Reinvention

Reinvention!!! I love the idea behind the word. It’s like the perfect ticket into an imaginary world. You can make what ever situation as glamorous and elegant as ever, and then stop and start all over again at will. But what I love most is the possibility for one to reinvent themselves. That is to give yourself a little boost or a new zest to life. Now, you know to reinvent yourself you have to be daring and willing to go ahead and do things you normally wouldn’t do, because, if you stay within your comfort zone, true reinvention will not be fully experienced.

 

create life” The 3 C’s of life: Choices, Chances, Changes. You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change.”

Anyway, I see that a lot of us girls like to go for some retail therapy as if getting a new wardrobe was all the boost we needed right?… Well, I’ll admit retail therapy is not bad, in fact I’ve had to do that a couple of times myself …lol! But, you see it’s a momentary relief and not to mention the fact that it’s an expensive habit. Have I got you screaming “Go straight to the point girl!!!” “lol! Okay I will.” For me I see self reinvention as a thing of the mind first, before moving on to attitude. Have you ever heard the saying “pick up a monkey from the jungle clean and dress it up, and then place it in the city… It’s still going to act like the monkey in the jungle.” sadly, that’s what a lot of us are doing. Hoping for a new lease in life and thinking we can get it through the thing we find on some shelf in a shop? Or some people we’ve tagged the “IT CROWD!” it’s important that you realize that you don’t need to find your identity in what you wear or who you follow. Your true identity comes from within, and you have to make sure that you keep developing yourself. Self reinvention is the starting point for that journey towards self development.

self reinvention” Making a big life change is pretty scary. But, you want to know what is more scarier? Regret!!!”

Now, let’s break it down what is self reinvention? Well, am certainly not talk about you hauling up yourself to some surgeon to change your body parts. What I am talking about here is you starting off on a clean slate, like you’ve just been re-born. Basically, it’s to remake or re-do your perspective or approach towards life completely. Note however, that it doesn’t really matter what prompted you to move towards re-inventing yourself. What’s really important is the “choice” to reinvent yourself!!! You need to realize that self reinvention is first a decision then an act before it becomes a story you tell others. It might take the conscious effort of acquiring an extra-curricular skill that you think would come in handy, but often it is done unconsciously. I remember, back in the days before I got on radio, I always imagined myself there, even before I started working. As a child, I started my own radio show had a make believe radio station we (a friend, my sister and I) called ALF fm. Back then for me it was just another extra curricular activity something else to do outside school work. It was my way of getting a new lease in life outside my regular schedule. And one day, I took that very scary decision to leave my white collar “regular” 9am – 5pm job even with the promise of an increase, and I moved on to radio. It was very scary, I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing, and worst I did not have a lot of supporters. But, it was something deep down inside me I knew I wanted to do. I’ve been on radio now for a couple of years and I have not regretted that decision to move on one bit.

Realize this, reinventing oneself is not exactly a walk in the park although, for some it might be. But, there is always going to be doubt and fear…. This is where I will now talk about those excuses we often come up with that stop us from reinventing ourselves.

 

self reinvention 1

WHAT’S YOUR EXCUSE?

 So here are five common stories that may trip you up on the way to self-reinvention, and some suggestions to begin to deal with them: –

The Responsibility Story: “I’m responsible for so many things/people/situations that I don’t have time to reinvent myself.” Flip this story by recognizing that true responsibility starts with you, and works outward. If ever there was a time to embrace this, it’s now. I will say, give some of that responsibility back to others, and for once put yourself first. –

The Scarcity Story: “Nothing ever works out so why bother trying?” you need to flip this story by connecting with others who are committed to reinvention. You will be pulled along by their enthusiasm, and begin to cultivate your own. –

The Perfection Story: “If I can’t be the best I won’t even consider it.” again flip this story by recognizing that human beings have to make mistakes before they get really good at something. Making mistakes makes you better at what you do, because you learn and grow from them. –

The Magic Story: “If it doesn’t come easily/fast then it’s not meant to be.” Flip this story by recognizing that magic happens when you take an active role in creating it yourself. And if you fully embrace the process of reinvention, rather than waiting for magic, you may be surprised by how fast things actually do start to fall into place. –

The I Just Want to Have Fun Story: “It’s too hard, too much work – it will cut into my time for the rest of my life.” Again I say, flip this story by recognizing that reinvention can be fun too, and that if you are pursuing something you truly value, you are fully capable of creating joy in the doing of it. In fact, it will actually give you more energy for the rest of your life. Do what you love. Do something because you really want to. You can’t lose. Your passions can become useful in surprising ways. Each time you have to reinvent yourself, you will find that the life you have lived is every bit as important as the job you have been paid for. What lies behind successful self-reinvention is the act of giving value to everything we have done. What should you be doing with your life? You should be doing what you think is valuable.

change yoour mindset 1

Steps To Reinvent Yourself

So, at this point the question I ask is, are you serious about reinventing yourself? I’m not talking about polishing yourself, improving yourself, making things a bit better. I’m talking about hitting the reset button—a reinvention that changes the game. That means an overhaul in your approach to life. If you’re up for that, then right here, right now, you can start. How? Easy! ….just read on.

Step One: Wake Up!

Realize that you’re not a victim to the bad economy, job market or your limited job skills. You have your hands on the steering wheel (whether it feels like it or not). Your life is on purpose. You designed it to get where you are. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, blaming, arguing and being depressed. Take back your power and start dreaming up something better. Are you afraid to pursue a better life because it’s not “realistic?” Consider this: When you “face reality” you’re accepting someone else’s idea of how life works and what is possible for you. When you say, “I will only face the reality I want to see,” you gain control of your life.

change your mind set

“What messes us up most in life is the picture we have in our head of how it is supposed to be.”

Step Two: Dream

We’re told from the time we’re children to stop dreaming, to get our heads out of the clouds and face reality. Yet dreaming creates reality. Dreams make us feel happy, raise our energy levels, and tap into our brilliance – which is where solutions live. Quit facing reality (and being pitiful). Instead, start dreaming of what you want to happen. Sit quietly for ten minutes and ask yourself: What would make me happy right now? What would make me happy this week? What do I want to happen in the next six months? Where do I want my life to be one year from now? What do I want my life to look like in five years? When the answers make you giggle, you’ve got it right. You won’t find your great work by thinking in a limited, small-minded way. You must dream BIG in order to find new answers.

Step Three: Ask Questions 

The question to ask is not: What can I do? The right question is: What do I love doing? Your greatest accomplishments most times come from your innate talent which comes gracefully and easily to you. If you’re not working from those innate talents, your work will be a chore, uninspired and unsuccessful. So ask yourself – What makes you different from your best friend? Your spouse? Your sister? What do you love doing when you have a day to yourself? What do your friends tell you you’re good at? What do you value in a career? What has been your favorite thing to do and why? What are you passionate about? Ask these questions until you get an answer.

Step Four: Move past the Pain, Doubt and Fear

What is your greatest pain? Have you lost someone you love? Have you suffered injustices or been ignored? Sometimes our deepest hurt is a powerful clue for finding our calling in life. Realizing this, not just helps to heal us but also heal the world as well. Our work /calling heals us by letting us offer to the world exactly what we need to heal ourselves. With this discovery we become relevant/valuable thus the healing begins for you and many others, remember what makes self-reinvention successful is the act of giving value. Plus by facing our pain, we turn it into energy. It moves us forward. Ask yourself what pain needs healing now? Let that answer guide you to do what you love. “Choose courage instead of letting your fear choose your future for you.” Step

Five: Visualize

Consider the possibility that if you spent even a couple minutes each day seeing positive outcomes for the things you worry about, life would go in a better direction. It’s worth a little experimenting? When we imagine what we want to happen, we tap into creative energy – the boundless realm of ever-changing possibilities. Our powerful thoughts attract circumstances and people in alignment with what we’re focusing on. This is not just talking its something I have experienced first hand per and over again. I always say “thought becomes things… Choose the good ones!”

Step Six: Spring Into Action!

After doing the steps described above, it’s essential that you take action. Go out into the world and research whatever new ideas you’ve come up with; Meet people, network, make phone calls, and take tangible steps in a new direction. Connect -for example, Look at the social media as a crack in the wall between you and the rest of the world. It’s a choice that’s up to you. And, once you begin moving forward in any direction – even if it’s the wrong direction – you’ll be pulled into the flow of forward-moving energy, and you’ll be guided to the right people and opportunities eventually. Forward motion takes on a life of its own. Personally I think any movement is better than no movement.

Step Seven: Accept Change!

Always look at change as the solution – not the problem. As difficult as that might sound its the way forward. Change is inevitable, even our bodies are constantly changing; our cells replicating and dying. Our minds and spirits change as we have new experiences.

When we’re changing, we’re in the flow of life. If we’re not changing and moving forward, we’re stagnant and cut off. We must learn to embrace change, because like it or not it always takes us to a better place.

Your approach to life should not be a solid, unchanging object. It changes form as you interact with the world and have new thoughts and beliefs.

What works for you today will change tomorrow. That’s a good thing! Ride the wave of change and life will unfold gracefully.

Learn to use your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings to make your life better, and to pursue your dreams passionately. Take a grand step towards a happier life. Just take it one step at a time.

In conclusion, I will say congratulation! You already took a first step. You read something that challenged you to think differently. The path to reinvention, though, is just that—a path. The opportunity of our time is to discard what you think you know and instead learn what you need to learn. Every single day…. Like the author Seth Godin says now–right now–is the best time to transform your life. Have a great time reinventing yourself. I am working on reinventing myself… Are you? So, do you have a story about self-reinvention? If so, I’d love to hear it!

20130423-012442.jpg” When you “face reality” you’re accepting someone else’s idea of how life works and what is possible for you.”