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Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be   Leave a comment

 

life being tough

Ways You’re Making Your Life Harder Than It Has To Be

When we were young life was easier, right?  I know sometimes it seems that way.  But the truth is life still is easy.  It always will be.  The only difference is we’re older, and the older we get, the harder we make things for ourselves.

You see, when we were young we saw the world through simple, hopeful eyes.  We knew what we wanted and we had no biases or concealed agendas.  We liked people who smiled.  We avoided people who frowned.  We ate when we were hungry, drank when we were thirsty, and slept when we were tired.
As we grew older our minds became gradually disillusioned by negative external influences.  At some point we began to hesitate and question our instincts.  When a new obstacle or growing pain arose, we stumbled and fell down.  This happened several times.  Eventually we decided we didn’t want to fall again, but rather than solving the problem that caused us to fall, we avoided it all together.

As a result, we ate comfort food and drank alcohol to numb our wounds and fill our voids.  We worked late nights on purpose to avoid unresolved conflicts at home.  We started holding grudges, playing mind games, and subtly deceiving others and ourselves to get ahead. And when it didn’t work out, we lived above our means, used lies to cover up lies, and ate and drank some more just to make ourselves feel better again.

Over the course of time, we made our lives harder and harder, and we started losing touch with who we really are and what we really need.

If you’re nodding your head, then you understand the need for “Getting Back to Happy”, and you know deep down that you’ve gradually made your life harder than it has to be.

Here are some common mistakes you’ve likely made in the past.

You let other people steal from you.

If you had a million dollars in cash under your mattress, you would check it regularly and take precautions to insure it is safe. The one possession you have that is more important than money is time. But you don’t do anything to protect it. In fact you willingly give it to thieves. Selfish people, egotistical people, negative people, people who won’t shut up. Treat your time like a Fortress. Guard it closely and give it only to those who deserve and respect it.

You’re trying to compete with everyone else. – If you compete with everyone else, you will become bitter.  If you compete with a previous version of yourself, you will become better.  It’s as simple as that.

You focus on popularity over effectiveness. – Seek respect, not attention.  It lasts longer and it’s far more useful in the end.  Do things and build things that make a lasting difference.  And above all, never confuse popularity with effectiveness.  Being popular means you’re liked for a while.  Being effective means you’ve made a difference.

You let others make you feel guilty for living your life. – As long as you’re not hurting anyone else, keep living your life YOUR way.  Sometimes we get lost in trying to live for someone else, trying to meet their expectations, and doing things just to impress them.  Take a moment and think about it.  Are you doing things because you truly believe in them?  Remember your own goals.  Live, do and love so that you are happy, because when it comes down to it, relationships can end in an instant, but you will live with yourself for the rest of your life.

You keep cutting corners and taking the easy way out. – Do what is right, not what is easy.  And do the right thing even if no one else will ever know.  Why?  Because YOU will know.

You focus on every point in time other than now. – You can’t change yesterday, but you can ruin today by worrying about tomorrow.  Be present.  Tomorrow will reveal itself exactly as it should, just as yesterday already has.

You are stuck on your mistakes. – It’s important that we forgive ourselves for making mistakes.  We need to learn from our errors and move forward.  Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past.  Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you learn from it.  A happy, successful life, after all, is not a life absent of problems, but one that’s been able to rise above them.

You are part of the drama circle. – How would your life be different if you walked away from drama, gossip and verbal defamation?  Let today be the day you speak only about the good you know of other people and encourage others to do the same.  Those that refuse to support you CAN be ignored by you.  It’s as simple as that.  Incredible things happen when you distance yourself from negativity and those who create it.  Don’t get caught up in drama.  Just walk on by.

You allow toxic people to get the best of you. – You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life.  It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, colleague, childhood friend or a new acquaintance.  You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small.  It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behaviour and makes an effort to change.  But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries and continues to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go

You’re letting loss devour you. – Sometimes you have to work at happiness.  Some hurdles in life are too difficult to clear simply by adopting a positive mindset.  Do you need to forgive someone?  Do you need to let go of a failed relationship?  Do you need to come to terms with the death of a loved one?  Life is full of loss.  But, in a sense, true happiness would not be possible without it.  It helps us appreciate the good times.  It helps us grow.  If you’re struggling to see the light, you’re not alone.  Find someone who understands and talk to them.  Reach out for support.  Don’t let loss devour you.

You avoid facing the truth. – The truth does not cease to exist when it is ignored.  You cannot find peace by avoiding things.  You have to feel it to heal it.  Bring your fears and weaknesses front and center and shine a blazing spotlight on them.  Because the only way out is through.  The pain of facing the truth is SO worth it in the long run, I swear.

You put off making decisions. – Bad decisions are almost always better than no decisions at all.  Indecisiveness just delays, while bad decisions teach us to yield better ones.  In the end, we most often regret the chances we didn’t take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.

You expect life to always be happy. – The world can be a difficult place.  You may experience suffering, heartbreak and loss.  These circumstances can take a toll on your happiness, but do not lose hope.  Think about the Yin and Yang in Chinese philosophy, which states that opposite forces are often interconnected.  In suffering, you can find great strength, in heartbreak you can find resilience, and in loss you can find a renewed appreciation for life.  Life is always Yin and Yang.  Opposites are interdependent and interconnected.  You can’t completely shield yourself from sadness without also shielding yourself from happiness.

life easy

As you know, when we stop doing the wrong things and start doing the right things, life gets easier.  It just makes sense.  So how have you been making your life harder than it has to be?   What can you do today to simplify things? #Food4Thought

I want to say thanks to Marc Chernoff you’ve been inspiring.

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THE ART OF LISTENING   1 comment

THE ART OF LISTENING

It is the province of knowledge to speak. And it is the privilege of wisdom to listen.

Oliver Wendell Holmes

http://blogs.lt.vt.edu/ankitpathak04/files/2013/11/Dr-Alan-Zimmerman-Leadership-and-Listening.jpgHello friends forgive my absence I’ve had to deal with a lot lately; but am back and i would love to talk about “Listening” i tagged this write up “The Art Of Listening cos i truly believe listening is an art. let be start by stating that “Hearing”is different from “Listening”. Hearing is the process of perceiving sound produced by any sound source in the environment while listening is the process of deriving meaning from organized sounds. Listening is also more complicated and entailing than hearing. bottom line the difference between these two is “Attention”. Listening is a skill — one that is capable of being not only honed, but lost.  No wonder listening is an undervalued art. Research shows that we speak at a rate of about 125 words per minute, yet we have the capacity to listen to approximately 400 words per minute. So what are we doing with that extra space in our minds when someone else is talking? Are we really listening?

listening 2–To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. #ArtOfListening

Peter Senge

Listening is essential to fulfilling relationships. If you are experiencing challenging interactions or you want your connections to deepen, reflect on how you can improve your listening skills. Here are some benefits of truly listening:

  • People will feel be more drawn to you; they will like you more.
  • You will learn something new.
  • You will solve problems more effectively.
  • You will experience less loneliness and frustration.
  • You will feel happier and more relaxed.

Learn to listen well, and watch all your relationships thrive. Here’s how.

—The best way to understand people is to listen to them. #ArtOfListening — Ralph Nichols

1.      Pay attention
Since our brains have the capacity to process 275 more words per minute than are actually spoken, we tend to fill up the void with extraneous thoughts. Notice how when someone is speaking, you are partially listening, while simultaneously planning the rest of your day, replaying a meeting that just occurred, or deciding what you will say next. Paying attention is the cardinal rule for good listening. Hear the words, and let their meaning in. If your mind wanders, simply re-focus your attention on the conversation.

—We have to listen to each other, even when we don’t agree.

2.      Be receptive
If you show up with an agenda, you are not going to be available to fully hear what the other person is saying. There is no problem with having goals for an interaction, but let them go while the other person is speaking so you can hear what is being expressed. Balance your need for a given outcome with your desire to sustain a harmonious relationship.

—One who cares is one who listens.

3.      Check your understanding
Make sure you can repeat what you just heard, and if you can’t, ask for clarification. You might be surprised at how much you are missing. Most people are. When you think you’ve gotten it, you might say, “So what you are saying is….” to verify your understanding.

— Secret of success,lies in d ability to get the other person’s point of view & see things from his angle as well as yours #ArtOfListening

4.      Be an explorer
Explorers are open and curious. They are inquisitive, without knowing what they will find. So what to do with all of that excess brain power? Focus on the speaker. Notice body language, tone of voice, and rate of speaking. Then look beneath the words to see what feelings and needs are being communicated. You never know what you might find.

— The golden rule of friendship is to listen to others as you would have them listen to you. #ArtOfListening

5.      Show interest
If you find yourself bored and distracted, reconnect with the interaction. Maintain eye contact, uncross your arms, and ask questions that take the conversation deeper. Find out what really matters to the person you are speaking with.

— Eyes see only light, ears hear only sound, but a listening heart perceives meaning. #ArtOfListening

6.      Be patient
As much as you may be tempted, don’t speak over someone who is talking. When you feel the urge to step in, take a breath, let your agenda go, and continue to listen. If you need to move the conversation along, do so politely, as in, “Excuse me, I’m so sorry for interrupting, but ….” Likewise, be careful not to jump to conclusions or assume you know what hasn’t yet been said. These are all signs that your inner explorer has fallen asleep. Revitalize your experience by paying attention to what is happening in the moment.

— Listening is a sign of respect. It makes people feel valued. #ArtOfListening

7.      Get out of a rut
Have you ever had the same problematic conversation with someone over and over? Bring a fresh perspective to the relationship by redoubling your efforts to listen. Let go of your need to be right or your ideas about what the other person should be saying or doing, and hear them as if for the first time. This moves you from contraction and limit to possibility and potential simply by listening.

— One person who is truly understanding, and takes the trouble to listen to us,can change our whole outlook on the world. #ArtOfListening — Dr. E. H. Mayo

Effective listening develops empathy, which is the capacity for a deep understanding of another’s experience. And isn’t that what it takes for a relationship to thrive? It’s as simple as paying attention.

listening 1— We have two ears and one mouth, so we should listen more than we say. #ArtOfListening

Here are some suggestions for developing your listening skills:

  • Develop the desire to listen. You must accept the fact that listening to others is your strongest weapon. Given the opportunity, the other person will tell you everything you need to know. If this doesn’t create desire, I don’t know what will.
  • Always let the other person do most of the talking.This is a simple matter of mathematics. I suggest a 70/30 rule. You listen 70% of the time and you talk 30% of the time.
  • Don’t interrupt. There is always the temptation to interrupt so you can tell the other person something you think is vitally important. It isn’t, so don’t. When you are about to speak, ask yourself if it is really necessary.
  • Learn active listening. It’s not enough that you’re listening to someone – you want to be sure that they know you’re listening. Active listening is the art of communicating to the other person that you’re hearing their every word.
  • Ask for clarification if needed. This will clear up any misunderstanding you have.
  • Get used to ‘listening’ for nonverbal messages – body language. The other person may be communicating with you via body language. You need to decode the message.
  • Ask a question…then shut up. This is a foolproof way to listen. Think of yourself as an interviewer – Barbara Walters! She listens and questions – so should you.

A good listener tries to understand what is being said first; he/she may disagree, but at least he/she knows exactly what they are disagreeing with.#ArtOfListening

Tips For Asking Questions

Once you have learned how to keep yourself from speaking, the art of asking questions is the shortcut to effective listening. Here are some tips for asking questions:

  • Ask open-ended questions. Questions that can’t be answered with a simple yes or no. “How could we do this?” “What do you think?” Your objective is to get them to talk as much as possible.
  • Don’t ask questions that put them on the defensive. For example, “Why?” is intimidating. Don’t ask “why?” Ask “how come?”
  • Ask “What if?” What if we did it this way?
  • Ask for their advice. “What would you suggest we do to resolve this?” Everyone loves to be asked for advice.
  • Offer alternatives. “Which way would you prefer?” This demonstrates your respect for the other person.
  • Ask about their feelings. “How do you feel about this?” People love to have their feelings validated.
  • Repeat back what they said. “Let me be sure I understand what you’re saying. You’re saying that…?” This technique will prevent misunderstandings and convince them that you really are listening.

listening 3—Listening is an attitude of the heart, a genuine desire to be with another which both attracts and heals.

BETRAYAL   1 comment

 

betrayal 5

BETRAYAL

“When you betray someone else, you also betray yourself!!!”

The word itself – betrayal would look dark to most people because of its meaning. No one likes to be betrayed. In fact every security measure we see in the world today is to guard against betrayal. That is betrayal by neighbors, the government, by parents, by colleagues, by friends and one of the most popularly talked about – betrayal by a lover or spouse. One way or the other everyone has experienced this phenomenon, in fact some of you probably might have lost a big business deal, a huge amount of money, some property or the love and respect of a someone you cherished – because you got betrayed by someone.

betrayal 3“To stay angry is to be a victim……you need to move on …….because that’s the real victory!!!”

Anyway, if I were to ask now “…Is betrayal a good thing or a bad thing?” – I wonder what your response would be? Well if I had to guess I think almost everyone would say “… Of course, betrayal is a bad thing.” – Well! You wouldn’t be wrong if you said that. But, this word we’ve tagged bad can also be GOOD! “…Okay!!!! Hold it!” – Before you crucify me let me explain.

 

So, how can betrayal be a good thing? You ask…. This is how I see it. If at a certain point in time you were not betrayal you probably wouldn’t have been able to push past your comfort zone to get to the higher heights that you need to get to. To a lot of people betrayal was a much needed push factor. Please don’t reject this school of thought until you’ve given yourself time to ponder seriously on it. Now, think back on what made you take that first courageous move…. It might have been you starting your business alone when initially you didn’t think yourself up to the task, or you working so hard on developing yourself. Think real hard on what the starting point to building your self confidence was. Is it possible that you would realize that after going through that experience of hurt and betrayal you got yourself up and made that bold move into the next phases in your life? Don’t rush take your time.

betrayal 1

Human beings are generally creatures of comfort and it would take a lot to push us out of our comfort zone. We all seek earnestly to move up to the next level in life but most of us are not ready to give up that comfort zone for anything just yet. Well, getting out of your comfort zone is a requirement in the journey to the next level and for that to happen most times an external force is required to push us. Just like Sir Isaac Newton’s first law of motion states every object will remain at rest unless compelled to change its state by the action of an external force. In this case, betrayal is that external force. But, please I would like to state that not everyone will have to experience betrayal as a push factor; but for those who do I’d liKe you to see it (Betrayal) as a step to the next new level in your life.

betrayal 4STAY STRONG!!!!

 

WHO IS THAT SPECIAL PERSON?   10 comments

you are special 1WHO IS THAT SPECIAL PERSON?

Sometimes, when I hear the sound of a car slowing down am tempted to peek and check is that for me could someone have thought of me and even driven down just to check on me? I get excited at the thought, but as always the car slowing down to a halt is not for me…..thinking about it now I feel pathetic but that’s really how I feel, having to put up a strong face can be tiring but I have gone from putting up a strong face to really being strong……it’s just that in moments of loneliness you wish you had that special someone……I thought I had found my special some one quite recently…..a part of me screamed “the search is over he is here”….there was peace a very relaxing calm peace that I just can’t explain but it was there and it was quite reassuring…..it’s the reason I held on….for so long….only to have that door slammed ruthlessly in my face…….wow!!! Life is a very long journey with a lot of displeasing and uncomfortable turns……then, when Isaac Samuel Adekunle was in my life the sound of the car coming to a halt by my window was for me….and his visits would make the evenings feel complete and perfect….we would talk and laugh and feel good sharing our challenges …..at least that’s what it felt like for me…….sigh!!! I enjoyed it ….In fact I secretly wished it would never end…..but, it was never meant to be; for the one who led me on like we were something really special ….had other plans he had someone else on the side …..Someone he planned to marry…..and did not tell me until the day of the marriage……it still baffles me though. where did he find the time for her-he spent everyday with me…..where and how did she come into the picture….or was she always there and I was so stupid and naive not to have noticed?

…..I still remember how hard it was to breath when my phone beeped and full of excitement on seeing his name across my screen of my mobile phone…. I open the text message and the message read…. You did not congratulate me……. Today is my TRAD…….(Trad is short for traditional marriage)….I never thought an involuntary action such as breathing could become such a big laborious task. I had to struggle to get the right amount of air into my lungs cause it felt like my system was shutting down and from the corner of my eyes darkness was creeping in……I steadied myself holding on to the counter in the kitchen saying it was a joke….”I just spoke to him two days ago we spoke for almost an hour, he said nothing about a trad…..it cant be what I think it is, he probably meant to say he was at a trad and it was a typo”……I tried calling, but he wouldn’t pick up and then my phone beeps again……another message ……”I can’t talk now”…….confusion pretty much set in at this point in my already muddled up mind……so I asked the dreaded question in the form of a text I said to him ….”Are you saying today is your traditional wedding?” To which he answered simply……”yes!” Then, he tries to make it light by saying he told me….which just threw me off the edge because right now another lie is not what I need ….then my brother sees traditional wedding photos on his blackberry phone……..that cleared all my doubts “so it true my supposed special person went on with someone else……I wasn’t special after all. I was just statistics to him”…..that hurt even more……I felt hurt, broken and betrayed on top of everything…..he wasn’t who he portrayed himself to be. I asked myself over and over was there ever a sign? Did I overlook something? Well, now that I have had time to think about it….yes I over looked a few important things……

 

1- First, never give people a clean slate when first you meet them, they all have a past and you cannot go on with them like they never did….their stories give you an inkling into the kind of person you are about to let into you life.

2- Don’t be in a rush to get too familiar, most of the time when we get too comfortable we get blind sided to a lot of warning signs….which reveal themselves with time.

3- Note  that, his action and his words are two different things….in a man’s world words are a strong indication of his true intentions……if he does not verbally define what you both have don’t assume it’s anything…..make sure you hear him say it….no matter how shy a man is……if his into you he will state it….although there are some of them who need a lil push…for e.g. The idea of a man about to loose a woman that he holds dear….would make him brace up and state his claim….if he doesn’t then he probably was never going to…. So why waste more time hanging around him.

4- When a guy starts hanging around you a lot without stating his intentions…..make it clear to him that you don’t spend that much time with people who are in the friend category…. And that your time is reserved for someone a lot more special. So it either he Admits he want to fill the position of the special man In Your life or he gets going.

5- A man who is into you does not need an excuse to see you; he would talk with you and come see you because he just can’t have a enough. No man is ever to busy for a woman he is crazy about….especially when you’re still at the wooing stage.

6- Realize your self worth! If so many women understood that they are nobody’s door mat and cannot and will not be treated as one ….there would be less broken hearts…..so many men have taken women for a ride because women do not have an idea of their self worth……..listen to the story of any happily married woman she would say something like “he treats me with respect”……”he treats me like a queen.” basically their husbands make them feel good with themselves……if your man makes you feel less than yourself and you let him, then honey you need to quickly do some self re-evaluation. KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!

7- And Lastly, but very important wait for God‘s instruction before you move him up from the friend category, because it’s is important that what you are about to start is God approved……I mean think of it why would you start a journey if you know that you are not going to get to your destination…….why would you give him your heart if he has no intentions of holding unto it for the rest of his life? Plus to hear God’s instruction in the first place you have to first be his friend…..don’t treat him like a D.O.G you would visit once in a while…..but like a G.O.D who longs for your companionship……..treat him the way you want that special person you’re waiting for to treat to you………my new phrase…..”If you’re about God’s work, God is going to be about YOU!

 you are special

Note from Writer

Hi guys, I decided to put this out there because a lot of ladies have confided in me about nasty break ups, and then they move to throw themselves a pity party, next stop “SHE BECOMES A MAN HATER!” sigh!!! Agreed, we have some down right nasty brothers out there, but ladies, you can’t completely put the blame on their door step. I saw a phrase a while back it said “A man’s lack of commitment is because there is a lack of necessity to commit from the woman.” ladies you need to realize that you should require a man to state where your relationship is heading, because if you are in a relationship where you don’t know the direction, you can loose yourself and get hurt. Another issue worth mentioning … Ladies when a man says you guys are just friends he means you are just friend and nothing more. Quit having a relationship with him in your head; you’ll only hurt yourself. If you treat yourself as a prized being he’ll treat you accordingly; don’t leave your heart or body carelessly. Guard your heart, your time, your information. Don’t in your minds eye go ahead and put someone in your future that is not committed to you, that is just recipe for more heart breaks. So ladies its time to wise up, realize your worth, take responsibility for your wellbeing; and lastly, you attract people to you when you look like you are having a good time. So go out there and live LIFE!!!

SINGLE, HAPPY AND SATISFIED   9 comments

SINGLE, HAPPY AND SATISFIED

How can you be single and be satisfied?

woman satisfied

      Breakups are hard on everyone — but after the initial pain and sorrow passes you will find that flying solo isn’t that bad. In fact it can be downright fun….shocked? I felt the same way until I started experiencing it myself, so am here to tell you that it is possible to be SINGLE, HAPPY AND SATISFIED!!!

But of course like anything else there are steps to take….I’ll start by stating you need to, First proactively decide that you want to be happy, you’re not going to be a happy married person if you are not a happy single person.

So, Whether you’ve just been dumped, or you’ve decided to end your current relationship, there are a few things you need to remember to make the most out of being single.  Even if it wasn’t your choice to be back in the world of single living, the only thing you can really do is embrace it.  So here are some things you need to memorize and put into action in your life to enjoy and embrace being single

 

TIPS TO BEING SINGLE, HAPPY AND SATISFIED

woman happy

BE POSITIVE

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, worse than a single man or woman who is consumed with unhappiness.  Not everyone can be happy all of the time—it s impossible.  But when negativity takes over your life, there’s something wrong.

Stay positive about your single status.  It’s not going to last forever.  In fact, how long you stay single is mostly up to you.  If you’re wallowing in negative thoughts, you won’t have your eyes open when someone special comes around.

If you can’t seem to see the sunny side of life, no matter how hard you try, try a little harder.  If you still can’t embrace a little positivity, it might be time to talk to someone.

 

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

You have to take a little time to take care of yourself:  both physically and emotionally.  Remember to take care of your body.  Keep yourself in the best shape you can be in, buy yourself a new outfit or a pair of shoes, get a haircut, freshen yourself up— you’re single, take care of yourself and feel good.

On the emotional side of things, remember to exercise your mind and your emotions.  Read a book, something that makes you feel happy for me that would be a good movie…lol! You can also try keeping a journal to record how you feel on a day to day basis.  Try something new.

 

KEEP LIFE EXCITING

Don’t find yourself in a rut.  Keep the excitement flowing through your veins.  For some people, it’s as simple as walking home from work a different way.  For others, it’s going on an adventure:  rock-climbing (which I tried by the way and it’s totally awesome) you can go site seeing basically go for what excites you.

Singles, especially people who have recently joined the ranks of the single community, need to shake things up.  Try to get out there and experience new things in relation to the dating world:  That means you can go out on a couple of date nights with some friends. if you’ve never taken an arts and craft class, if you’ve never gone dancing…you get the point.  Get out there.  Make sure you have sparks in your life!

 

DON’T OBSESS

Life is about change.  Your life has recently changed, in a big way.  You are no longer someone’s other half (and maybe you never really were).  Things change; it’s life.  But don’t obsess about the change.

If you find yourself saying your ex-partner’s name every three words, or if you can see your friends begin to roll their eyes when you talk about what life was like before the break-up, then you’re probably obsessing.  If you keep comparing every one you meet to your old surpposed Mr. or Ms. Right, then you’re probably obsessing.

If you keep on obsessing, you won’t be ready when someone new comes along and you’ll probably drive your friends and family crazy in the process! Watch it!!!

 

HAVE FUN!

Being single is about having fun as much as it’s about complaining about being single and being insanely jealous of all the other couples you know.  Start up a singles night with your single friends where you do something exciting every week, even if it’s just switching to a new hang out spot.  Keep fun in your heart and you’ll enjoy your single days for how ever long they might happen to last!

 

LEARN HOW TO BE SINGLE

It can be tough to remember how to be single, especially if you’ve been coupled-up for a good long while.  Learning how to be single again can be tough, but if you follow a few simple rules to enjoying the single life, you’ll be smiling.  And then…eventually, you won’t be so single anymore.  But don’t be in a huge rush.  Being single can be tons of fun! take your time and enjoy it.

 

MYTHS OF BEING SINGLE

woman unsatisfied

Myth -Singleness equals loneliness. 

This is simply not the case. The only single people who claim to be lonely are those who choose to be lonely.  One of the reasons why singleness seems so scary is because of the term itself:  Single.  It has almost become a swear word in today’s society.  It creates the image of a lone person, going through life with no friends and no family. Is this what you think of when you hear the word “single?”.  “Being single” only means the lack of a marriage or dating partner.  To call yourself lonely when all you lack is one person in your life is irrational.  A lonely single is actually a selfish single because their focus is on themselves instead of on others.

   

Myth -A relationship will help me feel better about myself.

A relationship is not an insurance policy for happiness, satisfaction, or fulfillment.  A relationship will not magically solve or cover up your problems.  Forget about all the perfect-couple images painted by the media.  Relationships actually magnify existing problems and create new ones.  Part of being in a relationship is learning how to solve problems.  If you can’t solve problems on your own, you won’t be able to do so with someone else.

If you don’t feel good about yourself, then you need to work on that before seeking a relationship, as people generally don’t look for someone with low self-esteem.  One of the key points that I state here several times is that you must be happy with yourself first.  The purpose of entering into a relationship is to share yourself with another person; not to try to get from someone else what you feel lacks in yourself.  Relationships (romantic and other) can’t be all “take” – you have to give as well.  Expecting someone else to fill your voids usually results in disappointment, a sense of failure, and resentment.  The way you feel about yourself is apparent to others, and if you seek a relationship hoping that the other person will somehow improve you, you will actually end up driving that person away.  You have to be happy with yourself before you can expect to get along with others.  If you believe that you cannot be happy on your own, you will be less confident and more dependent on others for your happiness.

If you feel trapped by singleness and are looking for someone to rescue you, then you need to first work on becoming content as a single person and gaining more confidence in yourself.  Become successful as a single first before worrying about success in relationships.  If you’re not content with being single, then you probably won’t be content with a relationship either.  Don’t make your happiness dependent on whether you are in a relationship or not.  Life is too short to spend a majority of it feeling depressed over something within your control.  You already have the key to unlock the singleness trap.  You just have to choose to use it. You just have to decide to be happy….Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are about as happy as they make up their mind to be.”

 

Myth – If I’m single and can’t find anyone, it means something is wrong with me, or that I’m a failure. 

Being single can be very unsettling and can certainly make people ask themselves, “Is there something wrong with me?”  The answer is a big NO. Every one of us has something wrong with them.  Nobody on this planet is perfect.

Failing at something does not make you a failure.  Regardless of how many times you have attempted and failed, it does not mean anything is wrong with you.  It simply means that there are changes that need to be made.  However, you should try to look at what you have done and make an effort to change what you know isn’t working.  Use this time to take an inventory of yourself and see if there are any personal areas you think you could improve in.

Myth -Being single is unacceptable and I must be in a committed relationship as soon as possible. 

You might think that committed relationships and marriage are the ideal lifestyle, but it’s not the only lifestyle.  If you believe that being single is unacceptable, then you will end up seeking relationships just because you want one, because “it’s the thing to do”, or because “everyone’s doing it.”  a young lady once said to me when i asked her why would she want to get get married and she said boldly to me “Because society expects it of me….” Wow! Now, that answer caught me of guard but if like this young lady, you want to jump into marriage because of what someone else thinks? I would say you need to learn to be your own person and do your thinking for yourself plus this often leads to unhealthy relationships, unnecessary stress, a worsened self-image, and emotional burnout.  You are your own person.  Your decisions should not be based on what everyone else is doing.  Remember the saying  “If everyone was jumping off a cliff, would you…”?

Bottom line:  Being single is not unacceptable by any means.  What’s unacceptable is seeking a relationship for the sole purpose of having one.  It’s also selfish.

 

Myth – Singleness is meant to be a “waiting period” for finding the right person. 

This may be true for some, but it’s not an across-the-board fact.  If this is made the main focus of singleness, it actually becomes overwhelming.  You may have heard the term “waiting for the ship to come in.”  That creates the fallacy that one day, you will find that special person and then your life will suddenly become meaningful.  The idea of “waiting” can give you the false impression that something is missing.  This can have a serious negative impact on your life.  You may put off certain plans and aspects of your life until you happen to meet someone.  As time goes on, you’ll realize that you have been wasting your life away.  It may get to the point where your only goal in life is to find someone, and you’ll find yourself feeling unmotivated to take care of other things.  Don’t put your life on hold just because you are single.  You are the only one that decides how you will live your life.  You can make the most of it, or you can let it waste away; it’s your choice.  None of us knows what is going to happen in the future, and if you are presently single, this is a time of opportunity for you.  Your singleness is what you make of it.  It can be a good experience if you want it to be.  So, instead of wasting time just waiting around for the “right one”, use your time as a single to get to know the person that is responsible for making you happy – that’s you.

 

Myth – Accepting singleness is giving up or admitting defeat. 

Accepting singleness is not a defeat; it’s a victory.  Despite the way it sounds, accepting singleness does not mean resigning the rest of your life to an unhappy state of being single.  Accepting singleness means that you have conquered your fears and anxieties about being single.  It shows that you do not buy into the myths and stereotypes about being single.  It is not easy to accept singleness and many people think they can’t do it, or will even refuse to do it.  When you accept singleness, you are declaring that you are strong enough to do life on your own, and that you don’t need another person for a crutch.  It shows that you are independent.  Accepting singleness means you can resist the constant feeling of needing to be a part of a couple, regardless of the influences around you.  You are making the most of this time in your life instead of wasting time in unnecessary despair.  Lastly, and most importantly, it means that you are happy with who you are. Which is a very important aspect to discovering yourself.

Myth – There are no advantages to being single. 

Okay! I know this might be a tired old cliché but,  the saying “every cloud has a silver lining” applies here.  Remember that there are two sides to being single.  As I mentioned earlier, it’s easy to focus exclusively on the negative aspects of being single.  This can lead us to the false notion that there are no advantages to being single.  The fact of the matter is that there are advantages to being single…..these advantages may include more freedom to do what you want, when you want and with whomever you want….so why don’t you write down all the advantages you can think of to being single. And whenever you start to feel down you can refer to this list.

 

I will wrap it all up by saying: singles please don’t  put your life on hold, go out there and get a life…….and, please quit idolizing the institution of marriage……..marriage is the right thing when you meet the right person that you want to wake with everyday.

 

woman shopping Just have a blast…….

We can’t allow the waiting waste our time just like we cant allow the wrong man /woman to waste our time, so you have to live life to the fullest because Christ said “I have come that you might have life and have it more abundantly (John 10v10) And he didn’t say have it more abundantly after you get married did he? he said have it more abundantly period!

So singles, go on that cruise now!

Buy that piece of jewelry now!

Buy that car now!

Buy that house now!

Handle your finances now!

Don’t wait! Particularly to my sisters, don’t wait for a prince charming to come along and rescue you. He might come with more baggage and maybe a tired old horse and a rusty armor (looooool!!!)

And, if we’re honest with ourselves, it’s the external pressures that become more unbearable than the internal pressure…right?

So singles while you’re waiting have a blast…… And ensure you serve those that are available to be served and love those that are available to be loved.

Single people are very significant. And don’t let anyone tell you different. I hope you become what you want to attract.

 

happy man

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to. Prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29v11

“STAY SINGLE, HAPPY AND SATISFIED!!!”